btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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