I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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