I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
