I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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