Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
