Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
