Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
