And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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