i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Let's get the cat blown out
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
