I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
