i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
