I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
