I want to make a zoo with you.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
