Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
