Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
