OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
