After last night, I could never be a politician.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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