the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
