I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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