I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
