If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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