If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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