Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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