I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
