Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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