I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
