if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
