One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
