Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
