rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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