Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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