Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
