So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
