I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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