Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
there is glitter all over my balls
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