After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
