in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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