I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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