Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
