So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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