Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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