here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
