i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
