You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
