I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
