I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i will never coherently bang her
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
