I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
What a dumb baby whore.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
