On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
