I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
