Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
