Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
